Yes, that is a sweeping generalization, but it's one that I've been contemplating since childhood- where the obvious differences between me and my more desirable peers was farther reaching than just my big, bulky glasses and protruding overbite... I was an outsider from the inside out, and most of the other girls made sure I knew that. As an adult, it became more and more clear when I became pregnant with my son over a year ago. I was reminded of it again in a blog post I read last week, http://www.birthactivist.com/2010/06/what-we-tell-our-daughters/. After the struggles
we as a gender have endured for equality and everything else, one would think we'd be kinder
to one another. After all, we are women. Shouldn't we support and care for one another?
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work that way.
I work in an office with over 20 women and a handful of men. After years of working in male
dominated environments, it's been an adjustment to work in a heavily estrogenated environment.
It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just different. Women tend to bite their words and whether
intentionally or unintentionally, we are just unbelievably cruel to one another. I can compare
this to various other disenfranchised cultures, or simply to crabs in a bucket- we just aren't kind.
Back to pregnancy though. I've been un-pregnant now for six months. I admit I haven't been
putting tons of effort into losing the baby weight since my obsession has been feeding my breasts
so they will continue to feed my boy. Amazingly, my supply has made a comeback after its drop
in early May. But I digress. Six months un-pregnant. I still make two or three runs to the break
room for water and tea, like I did when I was pregnant. I still wear maternity tops since they aren't
too tight and they leave room for easy nursing access for little man. I have not put on any weight
I've just maintained. I thought I was looking pretty good for bringing a nine-pounder into the world.
All these things considered, I had a co-worker walk up to me one afternoon and ask me that most
dreaded of personal questions, "are you pregnant?"
I quickly responded with "nope, just fat and unmotivated."
I then retreated back to my desk, the safety of my cubicle to spend the rest of my afternoon
questioning whether I really looked *that* awful.
The same sort of things happen in pregnancy. I had to deal with the constant onslaught of comments
about how large I looked, the horror stories about how awful labor and birth can be, how scary pregnancy
is, that my choice to have a homebirth was possibly going to kill me or our baby, and every birth trauma
under the sun became as common in passing discussion as attempts to touch the growing belly without
permission. When I see a pregnant woman, my first response isn't any of the above. No, my first
thought is 'how much longer do you have?' followed by 'how can I boost, honor, and respect her?'
If we could change the culture of women to begin responding to one another in a positive manner, to
stop pulling one another back into a bucket of negative feelings when we aspire to be okay with ourselves,
perhaps things could be better for all of us. Perhaps women's health care will improve for mamas and babies
because we won't expect that another woman suffer humiliation and fear because someone else did.
Perhaps if we lift each other up we can bring about a better world because we'll all just *feel* better
about being wherever we are.
So, ladies... KNOCK IT OFF. Play nicely. Support each other. Share positive stories, especially
with first timers. We are learning from each other and we are all responsible for teaching the next generation.
-L.
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