If I were to give myself a grade thus far, I'd give myself at least a B+ for being able to weed through the BS and smile and nod through the conversations with older, experienced (read: my children were born 30 years ago and this is how it should go) veteran parents try to give 'time honored advice'. I realize the accessibility of information was not as high a generation ago as it is today, but some advice is just plain awful.
From my mental reject pile: "oh, you should have been giving him rice cereal at two weeks to help him sleep! (random stranger)" "don't hold him too much, babies shouldn't be too dependent. You'll spoil him. (my birth mom)" "you gotta let them cry until they stop, my doctor told me so and you turned out fine (mom)." "you can't let them sleep with you, that's just wrong (random stranger)" "formula is so much more convenient than breast feeding (coworker)" "you HAVE to get a boy circumcised. Have to. He'll give his wife yeast infections and other problems... (co worker)" "If you don't get your boy cut, he'll hate you when he's older and the other boys laugh at him.(from several people, actually.)" I could do a post on each of these, and who knows- if I'm feeling frisky I just might. The one that concerns me most right now is that last one.
See, a few days ago I was having a light-hearted conversation with my dad (something I really need to find a way to do more often) on the phone. He wanted to know how E was doing and whether or not he'd peed on either of us yet. Unless you consider the couple of overflowing diapers we've had in the morning, nope. So, innocently I said, "He's uncircumcised so that's not a problem. It slows the flow and points it down instead of everywhere." Quite pleased with my own answer and not realizing that this was about to spiral into something, I smiled at my son wiggling around on the floor.
Dad: "What? Why the hell not?"
Me: "well, it makes sense. It's not MY penis. It's his."
Dad: "You really should have gotten that taken care of. He's going to hate you when he's older."
Me: "If he wants it when he's older, he can get it when he's older. Where I gave birth, it's not
part of the package and insurance feels that's cosmetic."
Dad: "your insurance sucks. Maybe you should look for better insurance."
Me: "they repaid me 60% of my birth cost. I think I'll keep them."
Dad: "You still should have gotten it done when he was little and he couldn't feel it."
Me: "Seriously? Yes, he would have felt it."
Dad: "Maybe. He wouldn't remember it though. Later he'll remember it and it'll hurt more."
Me: "So, I should have had a third of my son's penis removed so he wouldn't have remembered
it and couldn't have pain meds to deal with it other than tylenol or motrin?"
Dad: "He'll be embarrassed about it later."
Me: "aaaaaanyway... he's doing good. Growing. He's a happy kid."
Originally, I was leaving the decision up to my husband. I figured that the other person in the house with a penis would ultimately make the best decision on what to do with a penis. I don't have one. Well, technically I could say I had one for the better part of nine months while I was baking a boy, but generally speaking, the other twenty eight years of my life I have not had one and don't know what to do with one in terms of ownership and maintenance. I didn't put much research into it other than to read a few posts at peaceful parenting halfheartedly, I just figured I'd squirrel away the money for the procedure (what it would cost outside of insurance) since he wanted to have it done so his son would not have to worry about women or other guys laughing about his intact penis later on.
Then he was born. Things changed.
Suddenly I cared very much about what happened to this little guy's parts. Suddenly it didn't matter that I didn't have one of my own to maintain, but it DID matter to me that he did. It was his, and he should have a say in what happens to it. Also, I couldn't afford it since I was taking extra time off work, and most of our tax refund was going into house repairs and debt repayment. So, I never made an appointment with the good doctor. Time passed, our son grew, and grew, and grew. At no time in the last eight months has he requested that we remove that skin. He's not had a single infection, he's not hosed an entire room, he doesn't know that daddy's penis is different, but he does seem to know that it is his and that he likes having it attached as diaper change and bath time usually involves me repeating over and over "please let go of your penis." Can we interpret it as gratefulness for having it still there? Perhaps.
So, in eight months of learning about my son and his intactness, here's what I have to say on the matter.
We as parents are put here to teach, look after the best interests, and to protect our offspring from trauma and danger until they are old enough to go off on their own to do things their way. God delivers them to us in one piece and we're supposed to try to keep them that way even when they seem bent on self destruction once they learn to move on their own. It's counterintuitive to accept the responsibility of parenthood, then to reject it completely by handing over your new and confused baby boy to your trusted doctor of choice and saying, "just a little off the end there, doc!" How are we to build trust and security for our babies by doing this?
While some religious sects advocate for the removal of a boy's foreskin, not all do. Now it is done routinely and 33% of all US newborns are circumcised (down from 50% a few years ago)... but how often are parents fully informed about the risks of such a surgery or even have a good reason to do it? It is a fallacy to believe that a newborn can feel no pain, yet many people still believe that they cannot (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090927130048.htm). It's a fallacy to believe that circumcision prevents STDs- no, proper precautions such as condoms or simply abstaining does (www.intactamerica.org). It's a fallacy to believe that a son should resemble his father in that respect, because no two circumcisions look the same. It's not going to protect him from bladder infections, ridicule, or anything else. It's not going to be any easier to 'keep clean' if you have it removed.
Removing it is however going to put your son at risk for permanent damage which CAN make him hate you later. A botched circumcision can affect his sexual performance later in life or ability to urinate (infocirc.org). It can damage nerves and sensitivity which will affect his level of enjoyment... that may not matter to a mom or dad right now- it's hard to imagine your sweet, innocent infant as a grown man with desires and 'needs' right now, but you might want to consider it. The worst possible outcome is a life-threatening hemorrhage. There are very important blood vessels in that area, and snipping one could very well bring your new parenting bliss to a screeching halt. Yes, death is a possible outcome of circumcision as with any major surgery, because newborns are tiny and it doesn't take much. What would be a mere flesh wound to his mommy or daddy is dangerous for him, but we risk it anyway for reasons that make no sense (http://www.drmomma.org/2010/05/death-from-circumcision.html).
For parents who have already made this decision, I know it can't be undone and I also know that you likely didn't have access to the information at the time. I almost decided to do it despite my midwife cautioning against it and an awesome birth instructor having a very open discussion about it. For those expecting a boy, or recently blessed with a boy, please consider before you do it. If you need a little extra help, take a gander at this- prepared by doctors. http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/pdf/shortguide03-04.pdf
-L.
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