Goals, aspirations, and the sheer terror of moving forward.

I have done amazing things that no one thought I should be able to do, but I am quite sure that at the age of 31, my accomplishments shouldn't end at two 150 mile charity bike rides, one child, and a stable home life. Especially since I am the breadwinner of our household. I know this job is good, provides for us well, but it isn't where my passion lies and I'm afraid that it shows in a bad way when I'm trying to remember simple policy and can remember more about the warning signs of a placental abruption or signs of mental illness than check handling or ATM balancing procedures. I'm simply not performing at my absolute best even when I'm focused at (the mathematically improbable) 110% and I hate that. I hate that I can't remember the little things at work, but can remember the details of cadaver class a decade ago.

The thing is, when I started at Kansas State main campus in 2000, I was going as a pre-nursing major with intent to transfer out to Baker or KU or another great nursing school after pre-requisites were met. I busted my buns through many neurotic episodes and WAS accepted to Baker, but couldn't fathom paying so much for schooling and decided to stay a wildcat while finishing up my psychology degree. It seemed a better fit for where I was in life anyway. But now I feel pulled toward nursing again. So, I have to put a plan in motion and sort through my list of five/ten year goals to see what is more important to me in order to make this happen. It would improve our financial outlook here on the homefront, it would take me out of the cubefarm and back out in the community, and open some doors for us.

Here's the sticky part- I know every day when I wake up that there is a good job with great co-workers waiting for me Monday through Friday. They understand the craziness and accept me as I am. I'm comfortable here. If I were to continue on for the next ten years in the same spot, I could likely sit at the same desk with the same people and do relatively the same thing every day as long as technology and time didn't replace me. I like that, but I also like the idea that I could make someone's healthcare experience better.

So. I am checking into schools, trying to find one that will see my college transcript, accept that I have already paid my dues with expository writing, speech making, and math. Also trying to find as many scholarship opportunities as I can to avoid creating a bigger mountain of debt.

I'm also trying to decide at the same time whether E will have a sibling or not. I desperately want him to know the joys and challenges of having a sibling, but I'm 31. I'm not getting younger. I can neither wait forever to have another child nor to start school again... on top of all the other complications in my life (like not being able to find reliable kid care help, and a husband who has been in a new level of pain/dysfunction/incapacitation for an unprecedented 45 days. I'm already at my breaking point, and yet I want to cram more education into the mix.