Thursday, March 31, 2011

Mama nose.

My husband thinks I'm crazy.  I sometimes agree.

Something interesting happened to me when we conceived our son.  For the first time in my life, I had a keen sense of smell.  One would think that's a given- those who have met me know that my nose is out there a ways... a nice legacy of native American, German, and English heritage sloping off my face, but no- usually it was mildly stuffy and missed plenty of things.  It was sudden.  I went to bed one night perfectly fine, oblivious to the world of scents and was quite fine with that.  The next morning, thanks to the hormones, I could smell the dog two floors beneath us.  Or maybe just her bed in the corner of our room.  Then my husband put on cologne, and I thought my head would explode.  Then I arrived at work and was greeted by a cacophony of smells- body sprays, lotions, air fresheners, colognes, foods, dust, moldy office carpet, computers, printers, and a weird smoky smell that apparently I was the only one able to pick up... I smelled that alllll 39 weeks.

Now I'm 15.5 months postpartum.  I still have a sense of smell like no other.  It's like a bizarre evolutionary characteristic.  I'm sure that at some point in the distant past when we were all living in caves and grunting at each other that this was a useful means of detecting whether a food source was going to help or harm one's offspring, but in our new and modern world... maybe not as necessary?

I love it sometimes though... I can tell about 30 seconds before my son gets upset about his diaper that it's wet.  I can easily pinpoint what's gone funky in the fridge without much effort.  I can tell my husband has been eating fast food before dinner (occasionally he stops for a 'snack' after class), and what he had to eat.  I no longer have to measure aromatic spices for things like spaghetti, pumpkin pie, chili, tacos, or oatmeal raisin cookies because I can go by smell.  I successfully discovered also that my husband had loosely connected the gas line on our stove when he installed it, it had passed the bubble test but still had a small, slow leak.

I am also not a fan of this superpower some days... like when my husband insists on putting fabric softener in the laundry, or wear cologne like he used to- I just prefer the smell of him, not covered in 'stuff'.  I can smell my mother-in-law's perfume/air-freshener/laundry detergent/fabric softener combo when I walk in the door on the days she watches E... and can smell her on him for hours after she goes home.  I am very sensitive to perfumes and some of them are quite nauseating still.

Anyone else deal with this?  Does it ever go away?

Still going.

I just realized this week that I have officially been pumping at work for one year and one month.  Thirteen months of pumping in the tiny, windowless, dim room at work.  I have raised some eyebrows.  I have irritated some people.  I have persisted through nursing strikes, teething, supply ups and downs, stress, but I have kept going.  Probably to the detriment of any semblance of career growth, especially if I were to believe this lovely work of art: http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/Breastfeeding+moms+viewed+less+competent/4518650/story.html
but I persist because it's right for me, it's right for the little guy.  

Occasionally I feel it.  I feel like I'm the idiot for swimming against the current (and following WHO guidelines)... then something happens, like a couple weeks ago when little man got hold of a nibble of cheese and turned into the kid from The Exorcist.  Dairy is still not our friend.  Mama's milk still is.  And I'm not less competent or less intelligent because I nurse my son and pump when I am away from him.  No, quite the opposite, actually.  

So, here's my response to those who feel I (and other breastfeeding, working mothers) am not worth the investment, career-wise.

What I am doing shows perseverance over time and against adversity.  Dedication to a project that others do not want or cannot take on.  The ability to research and think outside the box in order to solve problems as they arise.  The ability to deal with criticism.  The ability to educate and be an example.  To set goals and meet them.  To manage time better.  To put someone else's needs before my own.  To multitask.  To be two people, a mother and a worker, and strike a balance between the two.  I think all of these things rock as traits for employees- and I'm working them like a rock star.

What I do each day is not easy.  If it were, more people would be doing it, and my small room would likely be a line of stalls with a shelf and a comfy chair each, instead of one room with a chair.  There would be few women who would tell me, "I could never do that" or "I tried, but my supply went away and I had to quit" or "I never had milk so I never had to worry about it".  But, it's not hard, either.  Perhaps uncomfortable and inconvenient, but not as bad as so many people told me it would be.  I do feel self-conscious sometimes, and I answer awkward questions about it, but it's so worth it.  

I may be away from my desk for 15 minutes every two hours, (less productive) but it makes me both a better employee and a better mom.  Seriously, if I were at my desk that extra time, I'd get less done.  This forces me to focus when I am at my desk and get the work moving so I can make it down to the pump room before my breasts start leaking.  Plus, it takes me out of the moment to gather my thoughts on the rough days when I want to reach through the phone, bringing me back to level before I approach customers again.

I know it's not for everyone, and it may be easier for moms to just crack a can of artificial baby feed and go back to work, but doing that doesn't make us better employees anymore than pumping and nursing make us worse employees.  I personally enjoy the challenge and the time away from my desk (which finds me quite often talking to my son on the cell phone while I pump).

-L.