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from January 25, 2010 posting:
I had my six week checkup at the midwife's office. I'm physically healed up from giving birth. Mentally, I guess the chemicals are coming back to normal though the ups and downs are not fun.
I haven’t felt like myself lately. I guess that’s understandable since myself has been replaced with a new focus, a little other self, that little boy I’ve fallen so madly in love with over the last five weeks. I’m moving into week six with him and the hours slip away so quickly, whether I’m enjoying those moments when he’s calm and alert, or asleep on my lap, or enduring what I’ve now labeled ‘afternoon grumpy time’ where he screams relentlessly between naps and nursing sessions. Sometimes he even screams while trying to nurse… which makes it a challenge to keep faith in the idea that I’m doing things right as a mom. It’s hard to feel like it’s right when the little guy doesn’t want to calm down for anything.
I’ve been riding the waves of hormones as I return for the most part back to the person I was pre-pregnancy. Some days that can be rough, since I can’t seem to collect my thoughts or focus my attention to complete a task. I have three projects I’m simultaneously attempting to find the focus to complete- researching a childbirth educator certification, plotting out the 2010 garden, and keeping the house together (bills, etc.). Most days it’s easier and less exasperating to simply sit in the basement living room on the couch, baby in my lap, laptop on the table in front of me and set to facebook where I can watch my friends’ facebook updates scroll up while Elijah naps or nurses- occasionally using a toe to navigate or type. I watch a lot of discovery channel and history channel during the day because the lower channels are mostly mind-sucking crap (soap operas and courtroom shows). Aside from random trips to wal-mart or the grocery store… or runs out to Babies R Us for more bottles to try out on him, I don’t go many places and haven’t really wanted to.
Friday I broke with my usual routine since Barry didn’t have class or appointments that morning, and took Elijah for the requisite Tour de Bebe at work… that way all the ladies could ooh and ahh over the darling infant (even though he’s about twice the size of the average infant they get to see when someone brings in a newborn). It was good to get to see everyone again, though it also sent icy fingers of panic through me since in all my quiet time in my house I’d forgotten how big, bright, and noisy the office can be. I felt completely disoriented and overwhelmed while we were there. My desk is still as I left it. Everyone is as I remember. The real world is apparently still waiting for me to return out there in cubeland. I miss my old routine, but love my time with Elijah. I wish I had a way to do both at the same time, but I can’t. It makes me incredibly sad to think about soon passing the daytime feedings and changings and milestones off to Barry five days and 40 hours a week.
Of course, with the transition of me back to work and Barry into my role, we’ve hit some snags. Sure Elijah loves him, and when I can’t calm him down, Barry is often the only one he wants. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who can feed him. It’s not for lack of trying… he’s not unwilling to try a bottle. It’s just that every freaking baby bottle has about an inch long nipple that gags him, or the ‘slow flow’ isn’t. Poor little guy either chokes on the nipple or nearly drowns on the milk flowing from it. Quite often he’ll give it a good shot, but once the choking or gagging commences, GAME OVER!!!
After a failed attempt with a bottle, he clings to me as though he thinks I’m never going to feed him again. So far we’ve tried the adiri natural nurser- too fast, the breastflow bottle- too fast, nuk- too long, soothie-too long and too fast, avent-too fast and too long, dr. brown- too fast, too long, Playtex ventaire- fast but almost okay. Next up are the drop-ins. There’s no doubt he’ll master it sooner or later. If he doesn’t, then I guess we try an SNS attached to Barry’s finger. It’s sooo stressful though.
Counting this week, I have three weeks left as a domestic engineer.
-L.
I haven’t felt like myself lately. I guess that’s understandable since myself has been replaced with a new focus, a little other self, that little boy I’ve fallen so madly in love with over the last five weeks. I’m moving into week six with him and the hours slip away so quickly, whether I’m enjoying those moments when he’s calm and alert, or asleep on my lap, or enduring what I’ve now labeled ‘afternoon grumpy time’ where he screams relentlessly between naps and nursing sessions. Sometimes he even screams while trying to nurse… which makes it a challenge to keep faith in the idea that I’m doing things right as a mom. It’s hard to feel like it’s right when the little guy doesn’t want to calm down for anything.
I’ve been riding the waves of hormones as I return for the most part back to the person I was pre-pregnancy. Some days that can be rough, since I can’t seem to collect my thoughts or focus my attention to complete a task. I have three projects I’m simultaneously attempting to find the focus to complete- researching a childbirth educator certification, plotting out the 2010 garden, and keeping the house together (bills, etc.). Most days it’s easier and less exasperating to simply sit in the basement living room on the couch, baby in my lap, laptop on the table in front of me and set to facebook where I can watch my friends’ facebook updates scroll up while Elijah naps or nurses- occasionally using a toe to navigate or type. I watch a lot of discovery channel and history channel during the day because the lower channels are mostly mind-sucking crap (soap operas and courtroom shows). Aside from random trips to wal-mart or the grocery store… or runs out to Babies R Us for more bottles to try out on him, I don’t go many places and haven’t really wanted to.
Friday I broke with my usual routine since Barry didn’t have class or appointments that morning, and took Elijah for the requisite Tour de Bebe at work… that way all the ladies could ooh and ahh over the darling infant (even though he’s about twice the size of the average infant they get to see when someone brings in a newborn). It was good to get to see everyone again, though it also sent icy fingers of panic through me since in all my quiet time in my house I’d forgotten how big, bright, and noisy the office can be. I felt completely disoriented and overwhelmed while we were there. My desk is still as I left it. Everyone is as I remember. The real world is apparently still waiting for me to return out there in cubeland. I miss my old routine, but love my time with Elijah. I wish I had a way to do both at the same time, but I can’t. It makes me incredibly sad to think about soon passing the daytime feedings and changings and milestones off to Barry five days and 40 hours a week.
Of course, with the transition of me back to work and Barry into my role, we’ve hit some snags. Sure Elijah loves him, and when I can’t calm him down, Barry is often the only one he wants. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who can feed him. It’s not for lack of trying… he’s not unwilling to try a bottle. It’s just that every freaking baby bottle has about an inch long nipple that gags him, or the ‘slow flow’ isn’t. Poor little guy either chokes on the nipple or nearly drowns on the milk flowing from it. Quite often he’ll give it a good shot, but once the choking or gagging commences, GAME OVER!!!
After a failed attempt with a bottle, he clings to me as though he thinks I’m never going to feed him again. So far we’ve tried the adiri natural nurser- too fast, the breastflow bottle- too fast, nuk- too long, soothie-too long and too fast, avent-too fast and too long, dr. brown- too fast, too long, Playtex ventaire- fast but almost okay. Next up are the drop-ins. There’s no doubt he’ll master it sooner or later. If he doesn’t, then I guess we try an SNS attached to Barry’s finger. It’s sooo stressful though.
Counting this week, I have three weeks left as a domestic engineer.
-L.
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