mama milk.

My son is built like a tank.  It's not just his size or musculature.  It's his constitution as a whole.  He's not been sick yet (knock on wood) in ten months earthside.  He goes out in public.  He plays in dirt. He licks everything he can get his hands around.  He does gross things, but he's a baby and doesn't know that yet.  I've made many choices that my parenting peers haven't chosen which probably correlate positively with the fact that he's so healthy... such as not feeding him candy or sweet snacks other than fruits and veggies which are naturally sweet... but I think the biggest contributor is the mama milk.  I know anecdotally there are tons of people out there who will declare violently that either their breastfed baby was sick all the time or their formula fed kid was healthy as a mule and that what I have to say is just luck or God's grace.  Either way, I'm thinking there might just be something to the breastfeeding benefits package.

I've talked about my son here many times.  He's beautiful, tall, curious, and precocious.  I love that kid with all my heart and soul, and I don't see it as an inconvenience that at least 45 minutes a day hooked to my milk machine.  Okay, it's a little inconvenient and uncomfortable- but worth it.  Same with on-demand, unscheduled feedings.  He asks, I give.  It's simple.  Because of him, I spend my lunches and breaks in a small, windowless, semi-dim room rocking along with the buzz and whir of my little Medela Freestyle and do my best to not let these clumsy hands tip the collected milk out, and remind myself frequently to tighten caps THEN place in cooler bag (I forgot once, big mess, lots of tears).

I had no misconceptions going in about the type of commitment it was going to take, I knew about cluster feedings and growth spurts, raw skin and latches, positions and preferences.  I knew so much, but I had no real practice.  Then he was born, and we had a very wide learning curve.  There were days when I wondered if I'd even make it six weeks, let alone the year I had planned... but we pulled it out thanks to supportive women in my life, websites like www.llli.org and www.mobimotherhood.org, and my husband who believed as much as I did that it was not just the right thing to do, but it was the normal thing to do, and that we were going to do that, even if he had to sit on the sidelines for a bit while we learned how to nurse.  He also tells other people how awesome breastfeeding is... whether they want to know or not. (we're working on that) One website I found tonight really resonates with me, http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/blog/2010/10/7/fear-and-surrender.html, which I wish I had had in my arsenal of reading prior to beginning this journey!

I learned rather quickly that some foods I ate made E cry when he nursed.  Specifically, he's sensitive to dairy, and for the longest time was also sensitive to citrus and heavily acidic items like soda.  I didn't need soda anyway, so big loss there.  Anyway, that was part of the learning process.  If he was sensitive to an item, it was akin to that scene in The Exorcist.  My tiny infant could coat one's shirt in a vile cheese-scented goo in no time.  Not every mom is willing to exclude things from her diet to continue breastfeeding in peace, but I did it because I believed.  (and still do!)

While the first weeks were a little rocky, the truly difficult part began when I went back to work in February.  While I went back to work with supportive supervisors who do not begrudge me the two fifteen minute breaks I take to go take care of business, I found myself isolated when I began to struggle with supply as I went from nursing on demand to 'nursing' on a schedule.  Evenings and weekends are easy- I'm a 24/7 milk bar who co-sleeps to keep the milk going on demand.  It's during the work week that I started to have problems... around about May-June my output dropped significantly.  E was drinking more and more during the day and I was making less and less, bottoming out at about ten ounces a day for a time.  It was stressful and I really had no one I felt I could talk to in my circle of people.  All the nursing moms I know are stay-at-home moms, and the working moms I know either combo-fed or fed straight formula.  I struggled silently, prayed, took herbal supplements (more milk plus by motherlove), drank nursing teas, ate oatmeal by the canister, added milled flaxseed to every food I ate, gave my husband sensitivity and semantics lessons after a few comments about how much I was bringing home, and nearly depleted my freezer stocks before a miracle happened and my supply came back.  We did it!

The day I pumped seven total ounces in one ten minute session I not only cried happy tears, but found myself dancing around the room like an idiot and thanking God over and over.  I swear I floated back to my desk on a cloud of joy because it had been so long since I'd made that much in one sitting.  

So, for ten months now I've been building a boy with mama milk.  I've had people tell me that it's ridiculous that I put in so much effort, that I'm the only one who cares that my kid only had mama milk to drink for the first year, or that formula is 'just as good so stop stressing about it'.  I feel that because I'm the mama, I damn well *should* be the one who cares what goes in that baby's body.  It's a vital part of how I mother.  Just because someone can and will have to feed my child while I'm at work does not mean that I can't be a part of creating what he gets to eat.  As a working mom it's even more important because the family depends on my income.  If he gets sick, I need to be with him (even though my husband gets to stay home with him during the day, I feel sick days are a tag-team event should we ever have one), so if my milk can help protect him from illness, I'll move heaven and earth to make milk as long as he wants it.  I intend to be a full-term breastfeeder, which could take me into the taboo world of nursing a child over two years old. *GASP!!*  I may not continue to pump all that time, but definitely intend to keep pumping through the second year until he overcomes his dairy sensitivity or is ready for other liquids.  I may have to do some explaining to coworkers and maybe even supervisors as everyone's pretty mainstream around there and may not fully understand why I'm still making daily trips to the lactolounge.

The biggest obstacle I'm going to have with continuing to nurse him in the coming year(s) is going to be that he's so large and robust for his age.  I'll likely start to hear about how I'm abusing him, or how he's 'too old for that' when he asks for a drink in public.  I suspect my lactivist spouse is somewhat uneasy about it as well because it's just not a part of our society.  My own father made a comment in recent weeks that I wouldn't have to worry about it much longer (my stepmom weaned everyone before they were long into their first year), and that he didn't want me to be like that 'weirdo who used to visit next door who nursed her kid until he was like 4 1/2 or something- that's borderline child abuse, you know'.  Gosh, really?  People seriously believe that's child abuse?  We place our children in plastic buckets and swings and leave them to cry to 'toughen them up' and it's okay, but feeding your child in a manner that boosts their immune system and helps fill in the gaps in nutrition that solids sometimes leave in the early years is wrong.  So upside-down.  

Anyway, it's been a great trip so far.  I hope many more women join me on this journey.